Worst DJ Ever

This has to be my favorite video of all time. If this is what he does in public, what does he do behind closed doors? One can only imagine...

Memegenerator.net

Animals giving advice just makes me feel good inside. I added the cap and glasses, they make him more credible than your average advice dog. Make your own at Memegenerator.net.

Supermaaaaan!

He's like Superman. A door opener. Spider murderer. Jar twister.

He's a great dancer and knows how to make his thigh my crotch saddle.

Someone who is sensitive to my needs, but can also beat the hell out of a defenseless homeless man because he thought I was in danger.

Someone who will standby me, as a bystander as I fight his battles for him.

Someone who will die the same time as me, The Notebook style, so I will never be lonely, NEVAR LONELY.

Plan B

If all things fall through, I'm competing in the Olympics. I will refuse many sponsorships because of my hippie ways. I will continue to boycott Ferrari as I do now.

Civic, Bicycle, or Bus Pass

You look like my Boyfriend

I designed this object the other day, I have no name for it yet, but it does amazing things. It allows people to organize, categorize, disseminate their clips of information. It allows you to do everything you like to do, but in a more neurotic way. You'll do what you always did, but a lot more times, more frequently, and faster.

The edges are smooth, the form is sleek, you'd swear that it ripened on a tree and fell into the palm of your hands. There's a plug to charge it in your car, wall, or it can charge off the electrolytes from your urine. We thought of everything.

It's affordable also, extremely affordable, you'll get one eventually. We have a team of termites, ants, and bees who are chemically brain washed. Building and Packaging.

There is no need for human rights violations, we have no slave labor, however, we have one employee stare at her own reflection for eight hours a day. That's her job. In a closet. Just staring. It has enough space for standing room only. We've experimented on this project for six months and we think she's going crazy. I know she's crazy. It's my job to date her and feed her lies. I'm her first and second boyfriend, they injected me with BBD (Benjamin Button Disease). I dated her when I was 50 and 40. "You look like this guy I used to date," she says that often. I think she may be on to me. She's queued Benajmin Button four times. The Matrix is about to unravel.

It would be your inside joke

My nightmare would be some Tom Hanks Castaway scenario, where I'm trapped on a desert island, and have testicular cancer. I know I have testicular cancer because I feel a lump while masturbating and obviously I have to be a doctor of some sort or I would not be able to differentiate between a normal feeling pair of balls versus a sickly one. I would have had to touch several hundred balls through med school to know the difference. Even while on the island I would regret never becoming a gynecologist or a tit doctor. I feel a lump, I have to operate on my own balls with the edge of a dull ice skate.

I would continue to weigh the pros and cons of my life decisions, my choice in choosing my medical profession. Theoretically people go to doctors when they have problems. They don't go to doctors and say, "hey check out my fine working pair of breasts doctor," or "please examine my shiny functional vagina." "My cock is long doctor. I just want you to see it so you can tell people at medical conventions and at fancy cocktail parties you've dream of going to when you where attending med school, that I was the biggest cock." Like a forearm you would later text and comment to facebook friends who attended the convetions and parties because they knew about the story. It would be your inside joke.