Marlon Wayans

Marlon Wayans gives relationship advice.

How Ye Doin?

For all of you who missed the BET awards, you missed Kanye beast it with a live performance of his new single "Power" from his upcoming album Good Ass Job.

One Subject Notebook

I took notes on two different subjects in my one subject notebook, it fuck'n exploded in my hands.

Time Magazine

I don't read Time magazine because it's too general. Why can't it be like Sports Illustrated, a magazine I do read. I know there's going to be sports, and that they are going to illustrate it for me. But, with Time it could be about an hour, a month, or a year. That's just being lazy. I don't know if I'm ready to invest my time in reading a magazine about a month or a year. That's a heavy commitment. I have trouble keeping up with throwing away all those salvation army bags, where they want you to put your trash old clothes in.

"Rice is great when you're hungry and want two thousand of something."

Angola State Prison

Any prison named after a country in Africa has to be fucked up. If you ever have to go to Somalia State Prison hang yourself in advance, you'll save yourself from screaming up from nightmares of being gang raped, realizing that it just happened two days ago, and that morning rape is still several hours away.

These guys are playing good rapist bad rapist

"He grease himself up, (shakes head and laughs) he shows him, uh, no mercy, um, he fucks him for real.

"then he has sex with him, then I have sex with him then, he has sex with him..."

"You know what hurts the most? The lack of respect, you know? That's what hurts the most. Except, except for that other thing, that hurts the most. The lack of respect, that hurts second most."

Part of the reason why I workout is to prepare for natural disasters, impromptu races, and to protect myself in prison. Hopefully I'm not making myself more attractive for prison rape.

21st Century

Her life could no longer be summed up in a 140 characters. She gave up reminding people how she felt, didn't inform people that a certain food was yummy, that the place she vacationed was breathtaking, and stopped the boomerang effect of telling people that she lived life to remind herself that she was living life. She stopped taking pictures of sunsets with her cellphone when it dawned on her that at this exact moment, someone else from another country is taking a cellphone picture of a sunrise.

Unsolvable

Train A leaves the train station 15 minutes after Train B leaves the same train station. Passenger A waves goodbye to Significant Other X through the train window. Train A travels at 65 mph. It takes 15 minutes for train A to reach Tunnel H, before it travels for another 15 minutes underground and arrives at Passenger A's building of occupation.

Passenger A cheats on her husband for approximately 15 minutes a day when the Train A enters Tunnel H which is a network connection dead zone. Her husband can't text, call, or contact her in anyway possible. She is at every town-hall meeting in her city when they discuss where city funds should be spent on infrastructure. She debates the cons of installing wi-fi in the tunnels of her city, spending several hours at work creating pie charts, graphs, and power point presentations to justify her claims on company time. Find the rate at which Passenger A discovers her true calling and finds out the meaning the meaning of life.

P.S. Don't run after buses or trains. You are a grown ass man or woman. You don't need to be desperately chasing down your bus like a Middle Schooler. Plan your shit. Know the schedule. Have some Dignity. Damn.

Changing the Bedpans of Hot Guys

She says she would never do bedpans, but if it was a Denzel, a Pitt, or a Estevez, I bet she would.

You would change a bedpan of a hot guy in a heartbeat. Because in your head you could imagine this hot stranger unable to relieve himself in a way that pleases society.

And you could imagine a scenario where this Mr. Hot is yours.

And you'd figure that if you were married to Mr.Hot-and-always-pays-attention-to-me that one day he's eating something, and his stomach which are guarded by six pack abs is upset. Queasy. And he needs to go to the bathroom, but is unable to move because the pain in his stomach is horrible, unbearable. And if he were to dare make an Evil Kineval like attempt at clenching his thigh muscles, then to planting his feet on the ground from a sitting position to stand up to walk to the bathroom, that the very act would propel the contents of his belly all over the floor. You would watch him slowly perform a balance beam act, juggling his waste in his pants, as it trickles down one leg and then the other as he creates a trail all the way to the bathroom.

So instead of performing this stunt which he has already considered and envisioned, he says, "Baby I can't make it all the way to the toilet, take this pot which we were going to throw out anyway and place it underneath me, between my thighs. The food you made upset my 6'3 frame and I have to relieve myself in the living room." You figure that if there is any stage in a relationship where you can have your soul-mate hold your shit, literally hold your shit is when you're married.

And you do it obligingly. And as his muscles loosen, and the remnants of the dinner you cooked hit the pot and make a sound like when you empty a can of soup, you watch his intestine processed meal yellow the glistening diamond ring he bought you and browning of your wedding dress that you can't help take off because it makes you remember why you love him, you sigh and remember how happy you are, and you tell yourself you don't have to think of how happy you are because you always are, and that your Facebook status should remain, “I'm happy” for the rest of your life.

However.

One day you’ll tell your girlfriend about this incident, confiding in the most Fort Knox Secret Keeper of all BFFS, but the story would be too juicy to contain so it goes viral. She tells all your girlfriends. And they are able to do a Reverse Fort Knox by keeping the secret that they know about your husband’s incident to themselves and you go about your days never knowing that they know.

So, one day you are waiting for your Mr. Handsome, Mr. Great-Personality which you married to, to pick you and your friends up and one of your girlfriends will say "Why is Mr. My-mom loves him late?" And another girlfriend will text all the girlfriends who are present and waiting for your Prince holds-doors open and text all five of them “Because He Can’t” and they will giggle behind your back because she texts this after you say “Why can't Mr. Loves-to-kill-spiders get his shit together.”