Excerpt 19 of 365,000,000

"We’re all packed in the gym. Performing military presses for our shoulders, dumbbell flies to fill in the center of the chest, sweating, soreness, suffering, working out for the same girl. She deosn’t know our name and we don’t know hers, but we have made eye contact with her breasts her butt and her arms. Sometimes her eyes.

The girl on the outer thigh machine.

Everyday she comes in at seven reading Peoples magazine using the outer thigh machine not looking to see what weight the machine is set at. Monday she was moving 10lbs and today it is 70, howerver she moves it at the same deliberate pace. She just sits down spreads her legs, spreads her thighs, arching her back. Knees pushing against the pad forcing her legs open for the maximum recruitment of muscle fibers. We are desperatelty seeking the approval of the

The girl on the outer thigh machine

Pumping biceps in sleeveless shirts, we're all in the gym for her,

The girl on the outer thigh machine

Downing a cocktail of supplements, creatine, protein, arginine for

The girl on the outer thigh machine

We hope she notices all this work, all this flexing, all this hair removal, all this tanning, all these reps, engorging every muscle in our bodies with blood, increasing the girth and thickness of our quads, extending the bicep peak, in an attempt to transform ourselves into a single hard muscle, turning the body into one giant throbbing penis, hard to the touch."

Excerpt from The Girl On The Outer Thigh Machine

Women Need To Be More Like Gay Guys...or Talk Dirty Like Straight Guys Hitting On Other Straight Guys?

I think this is the single most nastiest and creative line I've ever seen, it pulled on my heart strings...

Full Video Here

You're So Hot with Chris Mintz-Plasse and Dave Franco from Dave Franco

Excerpt 16 of 365,000,000

"Some outcomes are predictable. Labor Law X causes Unemployment Y. Happy Hour Q causes Domestic Abuse V. Grow up in Suburb Bubble W causes Tremendous Sense of Entitlement H. However, some causes always lead to unexpected outcomes. Short Skirt Sale X causes Feelings of Unattainable Expectations Y, leading to Whole Costco Pizza Consumption R, ending in Staring in the Mirror Self Disgust K."

Excerpt from - The View From the 100th Floor

WOW

I hate using the word FAIL because it's a term the youngins use, but this video is major FAIL. This video's cringe worthiness is on par with the "maggot removeal from an eyeball video" (If you don't know what I mean, look it up on YouTube). You can almost see the hosts body language say, "What a fuckin idiot. I already told you twice, you don't have to get near the microphone. If his ability to follow directions is any indication of his personality, I'll bet his jokes will bomb."

Lesson Learned: White boys who are on Carmen Sandiego as contestants, don't try this at home.

Excerpt 14 of 365,000,000

Peering over the balcony of the hundredth floor, the city is my petri dish. I’ve analyzed him for weeks, the man on the street, the one that sleeps beneath my balcony. He and the other organisms avoid each other’s glances at stoplights, bump into each other at coffee shops, and collide into each other in dimly lit bedrooms; all within the walls of the dish, all within the confines of the city limits.

“Honey, didn’t I tell you to pour water on the stoop so he can’t sleep there anymore,” I hear my girlfriend yell from the living room. She is referring to Bright Eyes, the man I’ve been analyzing.

At this altitude, the people on the street not only appear smaller they move slower; the closer you are to a large mass, in this case the earth, the slower time passes. Conversely time moves faster on the 100th floor, I age slightly faster than my neighbors on the 99^th floor. It is indiscernible to most people because gauging it is either beyond their means comprehend or irrelevant to them.

I yell back into the living room, “Chelle, he’s one of those special homeless people, the kind that start developing resistance to our cures, like an HIV virus, he just keeps mutating. I’m telling you, the more we try to mess with him the stronger he’s getting. Trying to contain him is like trying to hold mercury that has no home and unemployed, in one’s hand.”

When I am around her I have to be someone else, I can’t let her know how smart I am. It would scare her, scare most people that I know she has exactly 105 eyelashes on her left eye lid and 106 on her right, that I have created several charts that display every possible shoe, top, bottom combination, or that she uses an average of eight minutes to decide what to wear and that she goes through an average of sixty one of those 2,000 combinations and that she inevitably settles on twenty of those combinations.

“Just pour some water...wait, come take a look at these new shoes I got first,” she says.

Combinations possible: 206

“It's not a good idea. Last Tuesday when I was coming home late from the lab, I saw him getting sprayed by the street cleaning trucks that come every at 2:00am. I was laughing so hard, I was barely able to record a video and upload to YouTube. The video was all wobbly, so naturally, this week I waited in my car. I was shaking, shivering, because I was trying to compose myself while holding in my laughter, but this time, he just laid there with his clothes laid down nicely to welcome the blast of water. He was a adapting, he was a learning homeless."

Excerpt From - The 100th Floor Balcony