2010, We're Finally in the Future

2010, We're finally In the future!

Who will be the next Great Inventor? Who among us will give a blowjob to a politician and become famous? Who will secretly vanish from our lives, trying to get onto American Idol because they are trying to surprise us when we see them on TV, only to say they had H1N1 when they magically reappear in our lives because they failed?

What will the future bring? I’m a firm believer in understanding our past, in order to better understand our future. For instance, let us look at a past “great future way-paver” Sir Isaac Newton, the father of the laws of motion, calculus, and the 69 position as a means of understanding how to become a “great future way-paver.”

Cause I want to be one.

Isaac Newton's first thought after being hit in the head with an apple was the 69 position. He was out cold sleeping, head laying on the thick thigh like roots. He felt drops of rain on lips, filtering through the trees. He lay there unconscious, dreaming, about how Mother Nature would always sustain him, he felt connected with the world around him. This was the awe inspiring enlightenment he was looking for. He pondered History, Physics, Religion and Great Art of the Future and Past. He would no longer need to travel to the Orient to find enlightenment like so many of his contemporaries, who came back to the American Empire, explaining how Thailand had creatures who were of both genders. Woman on the top half, man on the bottom half. “Party on the top, even more party on the bottom,” one man wrote to Newton.

As Newton lay there with eyes closed and thoughts racing through his mind, suddenly a familiar taste ran by his lips. He opened his eyes to see large dog’s genitals in his face, like a red dangling slug, swollen with curiosity, as the dog relieved himself on Newton’s face. Newton lay there embarrassed as the dogs owner, caught a glimpse of a smile or a smirk on the passed out face of young Newton, as he received a stream of what Newton called "yellow nectar of the gods," as he once wrote in a journal he latter burnt. The dog’s owner, had an understanding that we all behave differently when alone, then when we are with other people. She understood the “otherness” Jean-Paul Sarte talked about.

She took out a yellow silk hand embroidered handkerchief to pick up her dogs excrement and went on her way, went about her day, telling every soul within a 5 mile radius about what she saw. And you got to give it up to her, back then, a 5 mile radius was a lot of unpaved road walking, yall remember her. A great pioneer in gossip, perhaps the great grandmother of twitter:

Becky_SoCal89: Newton1643 drank dog Piss LOL, you didn’t hear it from me though!

Becky_SoCal89: “Yellow Nectar of the Gods,” dude learn how to burn a journal better LMAO!

Newton would latter find out that the 69 position was old news to his Cambridge buddies. They found human fossils in that position centuries ago. The fossil information was in a book at the far end of the Cambridge library where a young woman would always study. Newton was shy, so he never went there. It was as if she guarded the book.

Newton also found out that one of his friends learned the position from his wife; before Newton got married with her of course. Although he didn’t wow the public with his sexual discovery, he did wow the public with his theories of motion and forever change the landscape of humanity.

So, with that in mind. What will you think of this new year as your head slams on the sink, or toilet as you are trying to throw up? What will the great oracles, and muses whisper in your ear? What images will they sketch in your mind? What will they bless us with as we lie unconscious in sweet concrete slumber in front of a totem pole bouncer? Or as we lay on house party sofa death beds surrounded by hyenas waiting to draw penises on our face?

Take care of yourself, and each other.