Excerpt 2 of 50


The power is in the leg room
I have business class seating
behind my desk
in the drivers seat
On the side you sit on it's smooth and flat
no shelves, no leg room
no place to hold your stuff because you just come to sit
no place for a name plate, pens for signatures
you don't need a place to rest family photos
a mouse for clicking, or a phone to check messages

its not a destination , but a brief moment in front of my
desk and you're gone,

yesterday I posted a job
I am hiring a highly qualified individual to clean out machine gun nests that have appeared on the Eastern side of our fortified areas in Afghanistan,
Spanish speakers preferred, females wanted,

the day before, i sat on the wrong side of the desk,
the person who came for the job posting interviewed me instead, asked me how much I would work for, if I was good at attacking fortified soldiers who have confined themselves in spaces so tight sniper rifle fire could not penetrate, and if i could speak Spanish...

- Excerpt from Memoirs of an Assistant Manager



Excerpt 1 of 50


I always have extreme anxiety when I checkout at Safeway
It's always a rush, the cashier puts her hand at the mouth of the register
preemptively waiting for the receipt to shoot out
rushing me
The cashier, she looks up at me. I want to ask her, her name,
how was her day?
Her name-tag says "Celine"
her name-tag rushes me too
underneath her name is her phone number
and her likes and dislikes
I feel like, we know each other I know her now
This relationship is moving too quick
I guess we're rushing it
My lips part to ask her...
She has a Pink Button on her black apron that says "Not Free This Friday"
I type my phone number to get club savings
4153074203
she lets out a slight sigh
I'm going to slow
I swipe my card, hit
Enter to accept charges
No to decline cash-back
YES to donate a dollar to support Al Qaeda

-Excerpt from How I Accidentally Sponsored Terrorism

First Scar


She went on Photoshop and changed her body
Byebye imperfecton
Icon spray can flesh spray paint click
She doctored photos
Byebye scar
Byebye bellybutton


Priceless


"You're priceless."

"Thanks."

"No, I mean you're not worth anything."

I overheard this conversation on the bus
I turned my iPod off, eavesdropping
I found out that the couple had a fetish for degradation
so it was actually kind of romantic.

Women Need to Be More Like Gay Guys


As I was leaving downtown San Francisco, I hit a red light. The bass from a House Music song pulled up next to me and hopped in my rolled down window, seconds latter, the SUV it belonged to pulled up next to me.

The passengers laughed and spoke in Spanish, and then their banter came to halt, the man in the passenger seat turned around from his silenced friends and said,

"You're beautiful."

Oh Damn

Q: How in love horny would you have to be to give someone 1,600 a day for a year and fly 14 times to to London just to get get stood up by them, and never physically meeting them, only to have the monetary transaction relationship to be based off of chatting on the internet and jpegs ripped off some college chicks Facebook?

A:
Reporter: Do you now realize this was a scam?
Man: (pausing while taking deep breath) Yep.