He Who Laughs Last Doesn't Have Leukemia

Cracked open a bottle of champagne today, took it with me on my bicycle and did a victory lap around my neighborhood.

As you may or may not know, the Guy From LFO has died from Leukemia. Today many a twitter, Facebook status, and news ticker read:

"Guy From LFO Dies"

Guy From LFO

LFO: One Down Two to Go

Some of you maybe wondering what is LFO? Why the celebration?

Well...

Grab The World By Its Tail and Put it In Your Pocket

I want to gut it with a spoon,

carve it's insides out like a watermelon and drink its juice,

as it drips down my chin

and

snakes down my arm like a spiral staircase

The Sun

It was a good 97 degrees, in the Bay today.

I had the luxury to be outside playing football.

A tribe of homeless people served as our fans, shouting after every catch or dropped ball.

One of them squatted in the grass, watched us from afar like a lion in a field.

He then came up to me, he said his name was John.

He said "You are the Sun."

"I know, it's sunny out here," I replied.

"No, you are the Sun."

I don't know what he meant. Did he think I was the Sun God Apollo, or the Sun God Tonatiuh of the Aztecs, or maybe he mistook me for Inti the Incan Sun God? Or maybe I'm being too egotistical, maybe he meant that I was The Son, as in The Son of God.

Unemployment Line

The unemployment line traced the city streets, snaking through alleys, parking lots, and down into the subway, an etch a sketch through the city with no rhyme or reason.

I lined up behind the last person in line and became the leader to follow, directing the line.

Waiting in an unemployment line is unAmerican. Can't I outsource this line waiting to some Indian or Chinese kid. Scientist say that in the year 2050 we'll finally have the technology to outsource pain. I can't wait 50 years.

I'm supposed to be vacationing in third world tourist-sanctuaries, not living in the third world.

Can't we pillage someone? We wont even rape the natives.

Foreign Countries.

They know our drill.

So, we'll go to Mars and enslave some Martians, import some Martian drugs to boost the economy, steal Martian technology, other countries would be so jealous.

The line had people who wore suits, some in ripped jeans, but everyone was there for the same purpose, at the front to the line was a chance for a new life, the front of the line was an opportunity for a future.I waited in the unemployment line for four hours, turns out it was the line for the new iphone.

Quiz: Which line is for the new iphone.

A.

B.

C.

Trick question. All three are lines for the iphone. Actually, only the first two, the third is iphone related however, the third pic is a line of Iraqi POWs who were suspected of a terrorist plot against an Apple store in New York.

BTW: I'm an anti-iphonite, which is a term used for those who are prejudice or discriminate against people who worship use touch phones.

More anti-iphonite rhetoric and propagandist hate speech here

Alaska

Some traditions should die. The video below is features the World Eskimo-Indian Olympics, featuring an Ear Pulling Contest. Whenever I watch this video, I can't help but think this is why Sarah Palin exists.

"It's what we do. It's what we know."

Deep Breath.

First of all, Ear Pulling is not a sports event. Second, the only Ear Pulling Contest I've ever seen is in two in the morning when a homeless meth addict tried to go down on himself outside a club, but somehow manages to get his ear stuck in the first rung of his sneaker shoe lace. Not only does he not untie his shoe laces, he proceeds to yank his head back all the way from his auto-fellatio position back to sitting position. Then the man passes out from exhaustion, not even leaving enough energy to finish himself off. He's probably the best ear puller to never go pro, talents wasted on blowing himself, and working at Best Buy, the shame is that he could have worked his way all to the top of the heights of the world Eskimo Olympics, and win a 50 Best Buy gift certificate like this years champion.

Fun fact:

• Alaska has 1 bookmobile. In comparison, California has 69.

And I don't think I'm culturally intolerant, the man in the video says he practices by putting a nail in the wall and pulling it out with his ear. Obama get these people a ball to bounce, a community pool, or another book mobile for Christs sakes!

Denny's Fried Cheese Melt Review

Denny's Fried Cheese Melt is comprised of four breaded mozzarella cheese sticks, sandwiched between a grilled cheese sandwich made out of two slices of American cheese and two buttered slices of sourdough bread.

Nutrition Facts: Fried Cheese Melt with Fries - 1260 calories, 63 grams fat, 3010 mg sodium

This new $4 sandwich is part of Denny's response to tight consumer budgets and the economy of the times.

If the pic isn't enough here's a video. A 3-D version of that video is coming soon for you 2-D snobs.

BTW: Why is that bitch so skinny.

That sandwich obviously comes from the combination of an overstock of cheese at Denny's restaurants and a public that's ready and willing to eat any product that they see on the Ol' TeeVee. We worry about advertisements that make us unsatisfied with our bodies, or advertisements that make us feel materially inadequate, but never about our expectations of our food.

Just watch any restaurant commercial on TV and what do they tell you? They tell you that you're supposed to get the most flavorful food, with the largest portion, at the cheapest price. And do you know what you get when you combine those three things?

Flavor equals fat and salt because it's cheap,

horrible ingredients

because you want a large portion while maximizing your dollar.

A restaurant advertisement that sells food that you eat just to survive is not attractive. Your meal is supposed light up every taste bud, fill your stomach, all while making you feel like a smart consumer becuz it's cheap.

The sandwich is absolutely disgusting. I couldn't be friends with anyone who ate this sandwich. I would seriously lose all respect for them as a human being, my view of them as would shatter, and I would look at them as if they told me that they were going to University of Phoenix*. I would respect them more if they had a heroine habit or if they told me that the iphone they carried around was broken, and that they carried it around as a social status symbol.

At this point in my life I'm such a health nut, that if I ate that sandwich I would feel like I've just been gang raped.

Below are Slashfood.com's comments on the sandwich. This is, for better or worse, America. I feel like we live in a nation of the Hills Have Eyes people.

8-26-2010 @2:20AMlaontour said...I don't think this will be on the menu for very long.... Once Obamas wife hears about it she will have it banned... Remember they are removing salt from our diet even if we don't want them to however I doubt they will quit stopping at the ice cream store for those tripple dips!

8-26-2010 @2:23AMpat kelly said...Well, it is America, right. Free choice, etc. Right now, "the chosen one", Obama, is trying to legislate what we Can or Cannot eat! WRONG! I think a 'minor rebellion"-eating a big, cheesy, calorie-laden meal, (w/marinara sauce..YUMMY!)- once in a while-is OK. That also depends on your metabolism, weight, and current health status. If you are 150 lbs overweight-forget it! If you have diabetes, other issues-forget it! Bottom line here is: Use digression, and good judgment. An occasional fling of food "porn" or junk food won't give most of us a cardiac arrest. And...give Denny's a break, OK? I like their coffee! LOL!

8-25-2010 @11:19PMSteven R. Russell said...Looking at a few of the Comments posted here, it makes me sick to see how ungrateful many people are in this our Nation which God has so blessed!

"Addicted to food", etc. My goodness, for crying out loud, I've been addicted to food for all 54 years of my born days, and that is one of the things which God has used to get me this far through life.

But not really surprising at all, as the Bible clearly tells us that one of the signs that we are living in the last days, is that people will be ungrateful.

*University of Phoenix is a fictional for profit online college, that uses snazzy advertisements to prey on those who think that a college degree is part of the American Dream, like homeownership. The University convinces students that a college degree will open doors, but what they don't tell them is that the degree has to be from a non-fiction university, from one that will not have your resume cc'ed throughout offices as joke, as potential employers laugh at your resume.

A great Frontline piece on for-profit universities.

A Case of the Weekbegins

I tell my therapist that I hate Weekbegins.

"So you have a case of the Mondays?" she replies.

No.

I don't have a case of the Mondays.

I have a case of the Weekbegins. I have what normal people have on Mondays, spread out across three days. Weekbegins are Mondays and Tuesdays and Wednesdays because it's humpday, the three days that are furthest from the Weekend. On Sunday evening I feel the starting onset of a depression that doesn't go away until the Weekends, but it lessens on Thursdays.

I can deal with Thursday because you know it's going to be Friday the next day, and I'm fine with Friday because, well... it's Friday.

She tells me to elaborate.

There will never be a restaurant called T.G.I.Mondays, and if there were, it would serve shit sandwiches, with a side of Is-This-What-My-Life-Has-Come-To fries and a I-Might-Columbine-My-Work-Place shake. You don't want to go there. And I agree they should change the name of their menu items to something less melancholy.

A case of the Weekbegins is absolutely debilitating, life draining, an emotional existential black-hole.

Why aren't we as a society up in-arms, wearing colored wrist bands for the elimination of this disease? Anyone with a job can attest to a case of the Weekbegins. Worst than AIDS I tell you. Can we please cure something we've all had?

Studies show (My own study) that the world's worst atrocities in History were on Monday or at least on the first three days of the week. When was the last time you heard of a hostage situation on a Saturday, or a bomb threat on Sunday? You don't. You'd be too busy enjoying life, rethinking you're whole I'm angry at the world thing. BBQ with the wife and kids, clubbing with your friends on your reality show, driving your yacht to a clam bake on an island you own. Bikini's everywhere, even the men.

Netflix.

You could finally catch up on your Netflix.

and you'd be happy

Columbine happened on a Tuesday (couldn't of happened on a Thursday or Friday too close to weekend)

Discovery Channel Hostage situation on a Wednesday

Hiroshima happened on a Monday

cased

FUCKIN

CLOSED.

Weekends shouldn't be so sought after. It just shows how much the rest of week blows. We love the weekends so much it's a surprise we don't kill our selves Monday through Friday.

She scoots up her chair and says, "Tell me more. Tell me more about your theories about the world."

Florence and the Machine - "Dog Days Are Over"

It usually takes me a while to warm up to new artists, but this blew me away.
She's like a female Kanye.

2010 MTV Video Music Awards - More VMA Video

BTW: I only have to reference points for music: Lil Wayne and Kanye West. She's somewhere in between.

Nietzsche and Kanye: From One Douche Bag to Another

One thing is needful.—To "give style" to one's character—a great and rare art! It is practiced by those who survey all the strengths and weaknesses of their nature and then fit them into an artistic plan until every one of them appears as art and reason and even weaknesses delight the eye. Here a large mass of second nature has been added; there a piece of original nature has been removed—both times through long practice and daily work at it. Here the ugly that could not be removed is concealed; there it has been reinterpreted and made sublime. Much that is vague and resisted shaping has been saved and exploited for distant views; it is meant to beckon toward the far and immeasurable. In the end, when the work is finished, it becomes evident how the constraint of a single taste governed and formed everything large and small. Whether this taste was good or bad is less important than one might suppose, if only it was a single taste!

- Nietzsche, The Gay Science (Gay meaning happy, not that there's anything wrong with that)

Nietzsche in his heyday was quite notably one of the greatest douchebags in history, he exclaimed that "God is Dead," Kanye on the other hand exclaimed "Yo, Taylor, I'm happy for you and all and Ima let you finish, but Beyonce had one of the greatest videos of all time." While the content may differ, sometimes it takes a great moral character, who dares, who has the courage, to bear the Torch of Douche, to say what needs to be said.

The Notebook was a shitty movie.

Justin Bieber is talented

Justin Bieber has a bright future ahead of him*

I can hear the mob coming.

K. Killing the VMAs

You’ve been putting up with my shit for way too long…/ Let’s have a toast for the douchebags/Let’s have a toast for the assholes…/Baby, I’ve got a plan/Run away as fast as you can.

Nietzsche killing the philosophy game.

"I am not a human being, I am dynamite."

"The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself."

"At bottom every man knows well enough that he is a unique being, only once on this earth; and by no extraordinary chance will such a marvelously picturesque piece of diversity in unity as he is, ever be put together a second time."

"Even a thought, even a possibility, can shatter us and transform us."

"While dreams are the individual man's play with reality, the sculptor's art is – in a broader sense – the play with dreams."

-Friedrich Nietzsche

Speaking of dreams...

*Bieber has future ahead of him as long as he doesn't get Haley Joel Osment Disease.

Before

After

Here is Osment in various stages of the disease.

Here is Osment in the later stages of the disease. Osment Disease has turned him into some kind of Japanese man.