First Date

We had communication problems since day one, he spoke Cantonese, while I spoke Portuguese. Our first date consisted of several hours of pointing, hand gestures, a long game of charades. However many misunderstandings we had that night, our smiles, our game of footsies, our body language was universal. And there was no misunderstanding when the waiter brought the check. I paid.

Adultlescent

My husband has run off into the woods again. He's attempting to live out his adultlescent fantasy of living off the grid, living off the fat of the land, in nature, with dirt underneath his nails, testicles pickled in his own vinegary sweat, grown man gone wild. His office called today, they tell me that he hasn't been at work at all this week, and they are worried, that he wont get his project done on time.

Running into the woods is very similar to his adolescent fantasy of skipping school, throwing away his backpack and books in a river, and living out 12th grade in his tree-house, drinking rain water, eating apples from the tree-house that supported his house, and reading 18th century pornographic literature. He lived in that tree-house for four days his senior year, until I came climbing up his tree-house, thinking it was empty. I was running away from home because my mother had found my stash of 18th century pornographic literature between my mattress. We had a lot in common.

Today, he left a drawing addressed to me next to his bowl of cereal, now soggy and bloated, floating like tiny wheat and corn-syrup drowning victims. On the floor were several crumpled balls of construction paper, leading me to believe that the drawing next to the cereal was the final product of failed rough drafts.

The drawing employed several art styles of the early 20th Century: Cubism, Suprematism, and a slight hint of influence from Social Realism that really belongs more in the category of early 19th century art movements, then 20th Century art movements. His choice to employ cubism to show his disconnect, his discontent with his surroundings, is rather cliche. But from what I gathered from the drawing, he was in the woods, somewhere up north, being attacked by giant cubes.

Gulie and Gulia

He left me a rose and a card on his pillow. "I love you GULIA," he spelled JULIA wrong, but we've only been dating for two weeks.

Fucked Well

I'm tired of hearing people telling me to fuck them good. It's not "Fucked Good," it's "Fucked Well." It is a serious turn off ladies, almost makes me want to come less hard just to show you that I'm not into your poor grammar.

Pornographers make the same mistake, I'm tired of seeing descripitions of so- and-so getting "Fucked Good," or such-and-such blonde "Fucks Good" in movie thumbnail descriptions. You think grammar and a penchant for filming people fuck go hand and hand, but hat's not the case.

Let me drop some knowledge, English major style.

Good versus Well

Fuck me good. INCORRECT! Correct form: Fuck me well.

He ate me out good. INCORRECT! Correct form: He ate me out well.

Use the adjective form good when describing something or someone. In other words, use good when stating how something or someone is.

Examples:

He is a good ball licker.
Tom thinks he is a good fuck.

Use the adverb form well when describing how something or someone does something.

Examples:

She did extremely well in the gangbang.
His asshole held up well.

In conlusion, don't let a couple seconds of improper grammar use, ruin a couple seconds of good sex.

Super Villian

Super Villain Hiaku: 5-7-5

I got the ransom

Bought a tropical island

Very lonely death

Baby in Car

Baby Hiaku: 5-7-5

Baby in carseat

Hot summers day windows up

No one sees you there

New Cellphone

New cellphone time comes every two years for most people, it's a time of great joy and celebration, a great ceremonial rite that spans human history...beginning, roughly, around the late 90s when cellphone carriers created biennial contract obligations for cellphones.

How you feel like when you get a new cellphone is precisely like the New Shoe song, but replacing the the word shoes with the word cellphone or the word phone to match the the syllables accordingly.

Hey, I got a new cellphone,
And suddenly everything is right,
I said, hey, I got a new cellphone and everybody's smiling,
It's so inviting,
Oh, short on money,
But long on time,
Slowly strolling in the sweet sunshine,
And I'm running late,
And I don't need an excuse,
'cause I got my brand new phone.

But if you have an old phone, a B.T phone, a Before Touchscreen phone you've been subtly mindfucked by iphone advertisements and the public at large. Your friends have been mindfucking you by telling you about the new features of their phones, or watching them receive countless minutes of joy as they test out new apps with smiles and wonderment like a child with a pinwheel.

The worst is when is when some one gently cracks your B.T. cellphone screen with their finger because they assume that every phone is touchscreen because everyone has upgraded and those who haven't upgraded should be wearing rags living with the mole people underground and they would be clearly identified and you would never ask them to use their phone because it's B.T.

When people use my phone somehow their brain breaks and they forget how to dial with buttons and lose the ability to use two year old ancient technology.

I'm sorry phone I'm ashamed of you, you will never be like your brothers, you will never amount to anything but storing old nude pictures of ex girlfriends and her text messages. I'm embarrassed of you. Why can't you be like everyone else's phone? I swear when I pull you out phone it feels like I'm holding a rusty banana.

BTW: My phone can send text messages it doesn't use smoke signals. Fuckin jerks.

CSI Book Review

I hate the CSI show because of its theme song, so I thought I'd give the book a try. So, I picked up CSI: Snake Eyes, the use of snake eyes in the title means you know something dangerous is going to happen, like if you title your book CSI: Lion Eyes or CSI: Shark Eyes. The first page of the CSI novel read:

"Who are you, who , who, who, who..."

So, needless to say I hated the book. Another reason not to like the book is because the book ties to stick too much with the television format. Usually books come out and are made into a television series or movies but CSI does the reverse. So, we get a book filled with 25 pages of commercials and the last ten pages are all credit. Plus the book smelled like urine, but that could be that I was browsing the book section of a Goodwill, but from the numerous aforementioned flaws, it could be that the publishers intended it. So, I googled "CSI: Snake Eyes urine," and it turns out that because of the all the colgone sampler pages in the book, the special combination of 9 types of cologne creates a urine like smell.

CSI: Snake Eyes you get a D+

Smokin' Reefers

This clip from Walk Hard perfectly satirizes the unwarranted fear of marijuana in the early 60's. I wonder what wonderful drugs the Man is making us fear.

"I don't want a hangover."

"It doesn't give you hangovers."

"Wwwill I'll get addicted to it or something?

"It's not habit forming."

"Sounds kind of expensive."

"It's the cheapest drug there IS."