New Cellphone

New cellphone time comes every two years for most people, it's a time of great joy and celebration, a great ceremonial rite that spans human history...beginning, roughly, around the late 90s when cellphone carriers created biennial contract obligations for cellphones.

How you feel like when you get a new cellphone is precisely like the New Shoe song, but replacing the the word shoes with the word cellphone or the word phone to match the the syllables accordingly.

Hey, I got a new cellphone,
And suddenly everything is right,
I said, hey, I got a new cellphone and everybody's smiling,
It's so inviting,
Oh, short on money,
But long on time,
Slowly strolling in the sweet sunshine,
And I'm running late,
And I don't need an excuse,
'cause I got my brand new phone.

But if you have an old phone, a B.T phone, a Before Touchscreen phone you've been subtly mindfucked by iphone advertisements and the public at large. Your friends have been mindfucking you by telling you about the new features of their phones, or watching them receive countless minutes of joy as they test out new apps with smiles and wonderment like a child with a pinwheel.

The worst is when is when some one gently cracks your B.T. cellphone screen with their finger because they assume that every phone is touchscreen because everyone has upgraded and those who haven't upgraded should be wearing rags living with the mole people underground and they would be clearly identified and you would never ask them to use their phone because it's B.T.

When people use my phone somehow their brain breaks and they forget how to dial with buttons and lose the ability to use two year old ancient technology.

I'm sorry phone I'm ashamed of you, you will never be like your brothers, you will never amount to anything but storing old nude pictures of ex girlfriends and her text messages. I'm embarrassed of you. Why can't you be like everyone else's phone? I swear when I pull you out phone it feels like I'm holding a rusty banana.

BTW: My phone can send text messages it doesn't use smoke signals. Fuckin jerks.